Thursday, May 2, 2013

Frank's Rent-a-Husband Service

'When someone shares something of value with you, 
and you benefit from it, 
you have a moral obligation to share it with others.'

This is a three part post, geared towards the couples of the world. Okay, let me be forthright in saying that this first part, which was actually the initial catalyst for this post, is geared towards waning couples of the world. The next two parts are outright skewed... in all sorts of directions.

I truly hope you never need my friends services, but in case you do... she is WONDERFUL  Journey Beyond DivorceIt is a venture started over a year ago, which today has blossomed into a full-time business. Keep in mind she offers Life Coaching as well - quite nicely, I might add - though her focus is on giving insight, support and tools to navigate through the hardship's of divorce.  

This brings me to the Second part of this post... My darling hubby, after learning of Karen’s venture, and being the 'helpful' guy he is, came up with the following brilliant idea... 

{Yes, he took the time to think, organize, and type this all out... Yes, this is the same guy that forgets what day the garbage goes out - every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for the past 10 years. The guy that {once} put the dishes in the dishwasher away before the cycle was run... and the guy that {once} folded all the dirty laundry and clean into one big pile... Sorry Ladies ~ He’s Mine!}

Still, he had this very 'helpful' idea... Of course, he made sure to cover his it-only-happened-once ass all the bases. I can't say I blame him, it's bad enough having one disgruntled female to contend with. 

 Third Hand & Rent-a-Husband 

Two (2) HONEY DO LIST options, plus a fully Customizable List 

Now that you finally got rid of that #!#%*, and are finding that #!#%* had some use after all, perhaps its time for you to call Frank.

HONEY DO LIST - Option 1

Take out the garbage (including recycles....... maybe.)
Pick-up groceries (no returns)
Pre-open jars for future use
Make Lunches (4 max)
Fix The Toilet
Fill the car with gas
Pick-up second and/or third Child (See Note a)
Drop off second and/or third Child (See Note b)
Hang Pictures (with or without supervision)
Move Furniture (2 times max per piece)
Throw out #!#%*’s stuff
(limited to 35 items, and Frank retains the option to keep any item(s) of use.)

HONEY DO LISTOption 2  (Includes all of Option 1)

Make Dinner (See Note c)
Wash dishes after dinner (See Note d)
Wash Laundry (See Note d)
Dry Laundry (See Note e)
Vacuum (2 rooms max.  If the vacuum cleaner is able to suck up the object, it is not considered ‘too big’ to be vacuumed.)

CUSTOMIZED LIST - Available Options

1)  Cover you when mother or girlfriend's ask, “Are you seeing someone yet?” (See Note f)
2)  Make emergency runs to pharmacy for unmentionables.
3)  Sit on couch blankly staring at TV while you vent. (See Note g)
4)  Listen to venting with an occasional grunt. (See Note h)
5)  Telling you, you are right (See Note i)
6)  Taking the blame for when things are lost.

  • (Notes a & b)  One drop off, or pick up, per child, with a maximum of 15 minutes or 5 miles between locations. Does not include mileage, unless car is provided. Filling up the gas tank during drop offs and pickup's are considered separately.
  • (Note c)  Does not include cost of, or shopping for groceries.  All participants in Dinner must eat what is made.  Service is only provided between the hours of 5 and 6 p.m.
  • (Note d)  Does not include collecting, sorting or drying.
  • (Note e)  Does not include putting away of laundry.  Clothes are considered folded if they fit in drawers.  
  • (Note g)  Projectile objects: sharp pointed objects, heavily weighted objects, and/or any excessively hot or cold liquids, are not permitted.
  • (Note h)  PLEASE REFER TO Note g!  At no time is physical pain permitted.  This includes situations where the occasional well meaning grunts, or comments, are conversationally inappropriate or thoughtlessly placed.
  • (Note i)  All attempts will be made to be convincing.  Please refer to Note g and Note h.

Now for the Third and last part of the post... The prompt that reminded me of Frank’s Rent-a-Husband Service, and spurred me to share

Today on Facebook was the following post.  After I got finished laughing... I decided it was the perfect adjunct to round out this ‘story’ - Too funny to keep to myself!  

I am having Frank print out a stack! ;) 
{Just in case....}
He can bring them with him, should you procure his services. 

FYI...  In case anyone is wondering.  Frank - the man that food shops at the drop of a hat, even at 2 am, for anything - the man that usually places his grunts in the right place - the man that manages to get the garbage to the curb... at some point... has a fantastic sense of humor {once again} gave this his full rubber-stamp of approval.   XO

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